I was certain I would win “Husband of the Year”. Although I was a 25-year-old newlywed, I knew older men who had been married longer could learn from me. I was crushing it.
Imagine my surprise when I wasn’t even nominated.
Or my shock when I discovered that my wife was disappointed with our marriage.
Unfortunately, it took me a few years to learn how to love my wife well.
One of the things that helped was the central idea I took from the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. What stuck with me wasn’t the five love languages themselves, although they are helpful categories. The primary lesson for me was that we tend to love people the way we want to be loved, not the way they want to be loved.
I left Post-its on the mirror telling my wife that I loved her.
I gave her cards expressing my undying love and devotion.
I hid notes in her purse telling her how wonderful she was.
She appreciated them, but they didn’t mean to her what they meant to me.
She wanted gifts.
Not expensive ones. Just gifts.
Wrapped.
With a bow.
She wanted to see that I had paid attention and put forth effort.
I got better.
And our marriage got better.
That is an oversimplification, but it is true.
The same principle applies in all of our relationships, not just marriage.
At home and at work.
How do the people we care about want to be loved?
If the word “loved” is too strong or weird, substitute “appreciated“.
As a parent, friend, or leader, do you know how your people want to be appreciated?
You might think you are doing an amazing job but be missing the mark altogether.
You might be loving them the way you want to be loved.
How do you know?
Ask.
Jot it down.
Then, the next time you want to show them your appreciation, show them the way they want to be appreciated.
How do you want to be loved? Let me know in the comments below. For reference, the book lists the following categories: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, and Receiving Gifts, but feel free to make up your own!
Tell me I’m doing it right… and then give me a quick hug.
You’ll have me forever.