“You are wrong. I am right.”

“You are guilty. I am innocent.”

“You lose. I win.”

All of these statements are verdicts we make when we assign blame.

In most arguments, the blame game makes things worse. It escalates emotions. It isn’t helpful.

What is helpful is talking about contribution.

Contribution is shared.

Contribution is mutual.

Contribution recognizes that we both had a part to play in the situation.

Talking about contribution deescalates emotions. It’s helpful.

I originally ran across this distinction when I read Difficult Conversations years ago. I recently reviewed the book and was reminded how powerful this idea is. Chapter 4 in the book, which explains and illustrates the distinction, is worth the price of the book many times over. “At heart, blame is about judging and contribution is about understanding.” (p. 59)

The distinction between blame and contribution is not only helpful when we talk with others but also valuable in shaping how we think.

It isn’t a trick or a gimmick. It is a belief and an approach.

It’s humble.

Thinking about how we contributed to the situation, even if our contribution was small (don’t try to determine percentages of contribution – trust me), keeps us from becoming defensive.

The next time you review an argument with someone you care about, at work or at home, decide to talk about how each of you contributed to it, and begin with your own.