When feelings are hurt and conversations are hard, it is helpful to distinguish between intent and impact.

Assuming the best about people, it is fair to think that most people typically don’t intend to hurt others.

That is good to remember.

It can also miss the point.

Someone can have good intentions and still hurt you.

You can have good intentions and still hurt someone else.

 

Intent does not dictate impact.

 

This is crucial to understand and discuss in arguments because it is common to think that if our intent was good, then we aren’t at fault.

We’re not the bad guy.

We’re not guilty.

But when difficult conversations are handled well, they aren’t about blame, deciding who is bad, or assigning guilt. The best arguments focus on working through things, and that is easier to do when we distinguish between intent and impact.

 

We can acknowledge good intentions, which can reduce defensiveness (our own or the other person’s),

AND

Acknowledge that there was a negative impact from the words or actions. There was hurt.

 

That doesn’t fix everything.

That doesn’t resolve the issue.

But it is an extremely helpful practice to detour around a common roadblock in arguments.

 

Distinguish between intent and impact.

(For a thorough description of this, see the excellent book, “Difficult Conversations” by Stone, Patton, and Heen. By the way, Stone and Heen also collaborated on the book, “Thanks for the Feedback” which is another fantastic resource.)