I first heard this phrase many years ago from radio show host Dennis Prager. He regularly brought guests on the show with whom he disagreed. He would say that he cared about “clarity over agreement”. He was respectful. He asked thoughtful questions. He and his guests were clear on where they agreed and disagreed.

Over the years, that phrase has been an incredibly helpful guiding principle for me in conversations.

It encourages me to be honest.

It prompts me to seek to understand the other view.

It requires me to ask questions.

It helps me be respectful.

It releases me from trying to convince or persuade the other person.

It tells me that there is nothing to “win” in our discussion.

It reminds me that we don’t have to agree to be polite or to be friends.

Not all conversations need to be contests. They can be incredibly pleasant and rewarding when they are simply conversations – people talking with one another. I know this from years of personal experience talking with people about all the things that are supposed to be taboo subjects. But the topics we think we need to avoid to get along are often the most important. And the most fun. The conversations can be rich and educational. There is much we can learn from one another, especially when we don’t agree.

This doesn’t mean that all views and opinions are true, good, or articulated well. They aren’t.

This also doesn’t mean that I never try to persuade people of my view. I do. But I don’t start with persuasion.

I start with understanding.

To do that well, I prioritize clarity over agreement.

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