Most people can get along with most people most of the time.

Profound, I know.

The challenge with that statement is the word “most”. “Most” doesn’t mean “all”. Therefore, the corollary to the statement above is:

Some people can’t get along with some people some of the time.

I fit into both categories: the “most” and the “some”. My guess is you do, too.

That means that although I get along with most people most of the time, there are some times when I don’t get along with some people.

Some of the time, that is my fault.

Some of the time, that is their fault.

Most of the time, it is a little of both.

Most of the time, it doesn’t matter.

Regardless, these examples of not getting along can create mental lists of wrongs that we have against people. They can begin as short accounts but can become long accounts by adding new hurts and offenses or by ignoring a hurt and allowing it to fester.

Fester? Yeah, that isn’t good. That word comes from horror stories or medical journal articles about infectious diseases.

If you want to avoid festering, keep short accounts.

How can we keep short accounts?

 

OPTION #1: Let it go

 

Are you able to honestly let it go? Note the word “honestly”. Telling yourself or someone else, “it’s no big deal” when it really is a big deal, isn’t helpful. That leaves the issue on your list and allows it to… fester. Again, with that word. Not good. However, if you are able to let it go, fantastic. It never goes on your list. And it is good for you!

There is a proverb that says, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.” (19:11)

How do you know if you can let it go? My general rule of thumb is to give it a few days or a week. Have you forgotten about it? Great! If it isn’t bugging you anymore, you have successfully let it go! However, if after waiting a while you are still dwelling on it and it is still bothering you, you haven’t let it go.

That leaves Option #2.

 

OPTION #2: Address it

 

Did you groan inwardly when you read that?

Did it make you anxious just thinking about addressing it?

That is understandable. Sometimes, addressing hurts and offenses with people is hard. Sometimes, it can make things worse. Those possibilities make most of us anxious.

But let’s start with the easy version because it isn’t always hard.

 

EASY VERSION

 

Sometimes, keeping short accounts means checking in with someone about an interaction that felt “off” to you. Perhaps you said something that you think might have bothered them, or they said something that bothered you. In these scenarios, reach out quickly and explain your concern. Over the years, I have had many conversations that went something like this:

“I wanted to ask you about our last conversation. It felt weird to me. Did it feel weird to you?”

or

“During the meeting earlier, I made a joke at your expense. I was teasing, but I’m worried that I hurt your feelings. Did I?”

or

“The last time we talked, you said something that bothered me. I appreciate our friendship and, therefore, want to chat about it.”

Sometimes, the other person wasn’t aware of what I was asking about. Sometimes, it was a non-issue. Other times, it was an issue, but my reaching out about it quickly made it easier to work through. All good.

But not all situations are the easy version. How do you approach the harder versions? [FYI: This isn’t going to become a “How to Have Hard Conversations” post. That will be a future post. These are just a few reminders about how to keep short accounts.]

 

HARDER VERSION

 

First, don’t put it off. The longer you put it off, the harder it will be. Default to addressing things sooner rather than later. NOTE: In some circumstances, it will be wise to delay so you or the other person can cool down. Hard conversations rarely go well when emotions are high. But don’t use this as an excuse to delay for too long.

Second, talk to resolve, not to win. Remember, most of the time, whose fault it is doesn’t matter. They were hurt, whether you intended to hurt them or not. You were hurt, whether they intended to hurt you or not. Your goal is to resolve the issue relationally, not prove that you were right and they were wrong. Beware of winning the argument but losing the relationship.

Third, assume the best. We are all very different. Another profound insight, but one we regularly forget. We aren’t completely different, but we are significantly different. Different sexes, different generations, different ethnicities, different cultures, different backgrounds, different languages. All those differences truly complicate things. In addition to all of that, we are each dealing with a lot. We all have struggles. We all have burdens.

Our differences, struggles, and burdens don’t excuse hurts and offenses, but they do help explain why many of them happen.

I once heard someone (Tim Ferriss?) say,

“Never attribute to malice what can be explained by fatigue, hunger, or incompetence.”

That really is profound! It is a good reminder that most people aren’t trying to hurt or annoy us. Sometimes, like Kindergartners, what we really need is a snack and a nap. Seriously. It doesn’t explain all of the hurts and offenses we might need to address, but if we go in assuming the best, it will increase the chances of our being able to resolve the issue.

A final thought: keeping short accounts not only helps us maintain healthy relationships, it also creates a virtuous cycle that makes it easier to do so. Our confidence grows, personally and between friends, that we can work through hard things and be OK. Keeping short accounts strengthens our relationships with others.

As you go through life, make it your habit to keep short accounts.

 

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