I posted an article on how to ask for forgiveness titled, Will You Forgive Me? While writing it, several other issues came up that I cut out to keep it focused. This is the catch-all article for the remaining thoughts.

 

FORGIVENESS IS…

 

Forgiveness is clearing a debt. In financial terms, if I owed you $100 and you forgave the debt, I no longer have to pay you $100.

The same principle works relationally and emotionally. If I hurt you, I owe you a relational or emotional debt. You could hold that hurt over me. You could use it as leverage in our relationship. If you forgive it, you let it go. You no longer bring it up or use it as leverage between us. You have released me from it.

Notice that in both examples, the debt doesn’t simply disappear. It is absorbed. In both examples, you absorbed the debt. That is the cost of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is clearing a debt, releasing leverage, letting go.

 

FORGIVENESS IS NOT…

 

Forgiveness is not forgetting. I think the old expression, “Forgive and forget,” is not only not possible, but unwise. We can’t really forget things simply because we have chosen to forgive them. We remember the hurt, especially when those hurts are deep and have been repeated. We can choose not to bring them up and use them as leverage, but we can’t really forget them.

Forgiveness is not ignoring wisdom. An illustration:

Imagine a friend who has borrowed money from you many times over the years. $100 here. $100 there. Each time promising to repay you, but never doing so. This friend now owes you $1,000. Because you love them and care for them, you choose to forgive them the entire amount. They no longer owe you $1,000.

The next month, they come and ask you for $100. You say no. “But you forgave me!” they exclaim. You did, and they no longer owe you the money they borrowed. But wisdom tells you not to lend them any more.

You can substitute lying, yelling, betraying confidences, or any hurt for money in the illustration.

You can genuinely forgive someone and, at the same time, choose not to allow the pattern to continue with you. Forgiveness can be truly given and boundaries put in place at the same time. You can genuinely forgive someone and no longer be in a relationship with them.

 

WHEN SHOULD YOU FORGIVE?

 

As soon as you honestly can.

Forgiveness is a decision, not an emotion. We don’t wait until we no longer hurt or are no longer sad or mad. We decide to let the debt go. We might need to remind ourselves of that decision to forgive regularly.

At the same time, forgiveness isn’t an obligation when someone asks for it. We should only forgive when we can do so honestly.

Some hurts are bigger than others. Some we might be able to forgive immediately. Others we might need to process for a while. Again, not until we are no longer hurt, sad, or mad, but until we can honestly let go of the debt.

Forgiveness is something you offer someone else. There is a real cost that you must absorb in the forgiving. At the same time, there is great value in forgiving. When you forgive, you can begin to let go of the pain and hurt you have been holding.

I did say, “begin.” Sometimes, there is an immediate and near-complete emotional release in the act of forgiving. Other times it is a process. More of the pain and hurt are dropped each time you remind yourself that you have chosen to forgive the person.

As a Christian, I believe that we are obligated to forgive because we have been forgiven. When Jesus taught his followers to pray, he said, “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.” The caveats above still stand, but because of Jesus’ words, I believe the question is not “Will I forgive them?” but “When and how can I get myself to a place where I can honestly forgive them?”

 

CAN YOU FORGIVE SOMEONE WHO HASN’T ASKED FOR IT OR WHO IS DEAD?

 

Yes. Some people might hurt us who won’t or can’t (because they are dead) ask for our forgiveness. But we hold the debt. We can do with it what we want. We can forgive it even if they are never aware of the benefit. We still receive the benefits that come to us through forgiving.

 

WHAT IF YOU CAN’T FORGIVE (OR DON’T WANT TO)?

 

Both “Can’t” and “Don’t want to” are issues of the heart. This is understandable with very deep, painful hurts. This is where, as a Christian, I suggest that someone pray about their forgiveness. Perhaps they cannot honestly pray, “God, I want to forgive so-and-so.” What they could pray honestly is, “God, I want.. to want.. to forgive so-and-so.” I believe that is an honest prayer that God would honor and help change our hearts over time.

 

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