Are you an imposter?

Do you pretend to be confident while inside you are a bigger, older tangle of your 6th-grade insecurities?

I am sure we all are in some ways at some times. But do you want to stay there?

My guess is no.

I don’t.

How, then, do we develop genuine confidence?

By developing competence.

Confidence comes through competence, through being good at something.

And being good requires becoming good, which usually requires being bad for a while.

Bad while you practice.

Bad while you make mistakes and try again.

Bad while you look foolish and try again.

And again.

Until you get it right.

Unfortunately, many people are unwilling to be bad or look bad to become good, which leaves them stuck where they are.

It is one thing, however, to be confident in one area. How can we be confident in general?

Those who are willing to be bad on the way to being good have learned a valuable, transferable skill. They possess the skill of getting good at other things. This provides them with more than just the sum of the confidence from their various skills. This gives them a general sense of confidence. They know that they can figure things out. It might be hard. It might take them a while. But they can get good at it. They have done it before.

It really is a superpower.

We usually learn this as we grow up. Look at all the things we learned and got good at: walking, talking, tying our shoes, riding a bike, swimming, and spelling words like M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I. Not to mention thousands upon thousands of other things.

Why, then, do we forget that we can do this as adults?

Why aren’t we all walking around oozing confidence because of our history of being bad and getting good at things?

Unfortunately, for some, life and the people around them have repeatedly crushed their confidence in innumerable ways. That is heartbreaking. They need every bit of love and encouragement we can pour into them.

Others, though, do it to themselves. Their identities have solidified around the things they are already good at, and they don’t want to jeopardize the image they and others have of them. They are afraid to try because they don’t want to look bad. They don’t want people to laugh at them or think less of them. (Maybe we learned that growing up, too.)

But I don’t think it really works that way.

Have you ever been around someone comfortable with who they are? Who likes themself, even though they are imperfect? There is a sense of acceptance, calm, and confidence about them. If they aren’t good at something, it doesn’t seem to bother them, and it doesn’t seem to bother others either.

I think people who are OK with being bad on their way to good put off a similar vibe. If it isn’t genuine confidence, it is something close.

So, do you want to be more confident? Do you want to eliminate Imposter Syndrome?

Step 1: Remember all the things you are already good at. And remind yourself how you got good at them.
Step 2: Be OK being bad at something for a while.
Step 3: Get good at that thing you have been bad at. Prove to yourself that you still have the skill of learning and getting good at things.
BONUS STEP: Decide to like yourself. You are, in fact, pretty special. Do you have a hard time believing that? If so, give me a chance to convince you.

(If you are looking for a good book somewhat related to this topic, read Beginners: The Joy and Transformative Power of Lifelong Learning by Tom Vanderbilt. I read it a few years ago and really enjoyed it. It is what inspired me to try and learn something new each year, like knots, juggling, and magic card tricks. I am still working on those card tricks…)

 

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