How do you deal with failure? Does it destroy you? Does it make you better?

This past weekend, two friends and I were in Austin, TX, competing in the GoRuck Ruckapalooza 50-mile challenge. (Rucking is walking with weight.)

It started at 9 pm on Friday. The cadre leading the challenge gave us a list of points around the city we had to walk to, scan a QR code, and take a picture at. It totaled 50 miles, and we had until 5 pm on Saturday (20 hours) to complete it. All while carrying 20+ pounds.

My friends and I trained for this event. We knew it would be hard, but we were prepared, physically and mentally. I even bought a shirt that I wore especially for the event. It had the letters DFQ on the front, a reminder to us: “Don’t Quit!”

Overnight, around the lake, up and down the hills, all across the city of Austin, we walked (91,016 steps, according to my Strava app).

We made it 44 miles before we were out of gas. Spent. Toast. Wasted.

Our DFQ became DNF = Did Not Finish.

We failed.

How do you deal with failure?

It is not an issue of whether we will fail, but when and how. Failure is a regular, normal part of life. The real issue is how we deal with our failure.

Here are three things to keep in mind when dealing with failure: (1) Protect your identity, (2) Learn from your failure, and (3) Develop the courage to try and fail

 

1. PROTECT YOUR IDENTITY

It is one thing to say, “I failed.”

It is quite another to take “I failed” and turn it into “I am a failure.”

The first is an activity assessment. The second is an identity statement.

You could fail to finish a 5k and still be an incredible mom and boss.

You could fail to win the league championship in some sport and still be an amazing husband and dad.

You could fail to finish the project on time and in budget and still be a wonderful and valuable employee.

What you do (activity) is not who you are (identity).

When we turn activity assessments into identity statements, we tear ourselves down and potentially crush our desire to grow and develop in the future. We take something momentary and, potentially, make it permanent.

For example, my friends and I failed to complete the 50-mile challenge. Are we disappointed? Of course. But we are still good sons, brothers, husbands, fathers, and friends. We are not ashamed that we didn’t finish. We don’t think we are losers. Our identities were not wrapped up in this activity. That mentality leaves us open, rather than closed, to future possibilities.

Is your identity wrapped up in the things you are trying to do and accomplish? If so, how can you separate them?

 

2. LEARN FROM YOUR FAILURE

I do not believe that failure is the best way to learn. I think success is the best way to learn. However, when we do fail, we should learn from it.

When you can step out of the emotion of the failure, ask yourself some objective questions about the failure.

• Why did I fail?
• What could I have done differently?
• What did those who succeeded do that I didn’t do?
• What good things came from this?

Although there could have been factors outside your control that contributed to the failure, which are important to identify, don’t start with those. Start with what was in your control.

One reason: it is the only thing you can control.

Another reason: we often blame others or external factors to protect our ego. That is an unhealthy way to protect ourselves. Lying to ourselves doesn’t help. Blaming others doesn’t help. What does help is taking ownership and accepting responsibility for the failure. This gives us the best possible chance to learn all we can from our failure. The healthy way to protect your identity is to distinguish between what you did (an activity) and who you are (an identity).

A few examples of true, helpful things I can tell myself about this failure:

• I failed to complete the 50-mile ruck challenge.
• I could have walked at a faster pace.
• I could have kept my breaks shorter.
• I could have understood the mileage count better.
• I had the courage to try to do a really hard thing.
• I trained really hard.
• I had a great time training with my friends.
• I made some great memories during the event.

What have you learned from a recent failure? What are true, helpful things you could tell yourself about the failure?

 

3. DEVELOP THE COURAGE TO TRY AND FAIL

Many people want to do things, to try things, but don’t because they are afraid to fail.

Don’t let that be you.

Have the courage to try.

Have the courage to fail.

Failure isn’t final, and it doesn’t define you unless you allow it to.

Our friends won’t mock us. They will be proud of us for trying. And our courage can inspire them to try things.

I want to develop the courage to try. I want to develop the courage to risk and accept failure. That is the kind of identity I want to build.

But how does one develop that kind of courage?

By trying. And failing. And discovering you’re OK.

And trying again. And failing again. And recognizing that you’re still OK.

Eventually, you will accept the fact that failure is a part of the learning process. You will feel the fear and do it anyway.

You don’t have to start with quitting your job, moving to New York City, and trying to make it on Broadway. Start small. Small risks that have small potential failures and require small amounts of courage. Build your courage muscles slowly, but start building them.

What are you going to try this week?

 

 

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