scott stonehouse

The phrase, “Take Off the Tool Belt” helped my wife and I move past several years of arguments and hurt feelings.

We got the language from the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” by John Gray.

This short phrase encapsulates an entire conversation: She wants to talk to me about something that is bothering her. She knows that I love her and want to help her, but the best way for me to help her in the moment is to listen to her and not offer suggestions on how she can fix her problems. All she wants is for me to listen, try to empathize, and be present with her.

That’s it.

That’s all she needs.

I don’t need to say anything.

In fact, it is probably better if I don’t say anything at all, other than some faint noises that indicate that I am paying attention and agree.

And it works.

I still don’t understand why it works so well. As a guy, I see the problems are still there and need to be addressed. But, over the years, with a little bit of humility, maturity, and wisdom gained along the way, I don’t need to understand why it works. Men and women are different (because they come from different planets, apparently) and, therefore, need different things. It is enough for me to know what my wife needs from me in the moment and to try and provide that.

And her telling me, “I want to talk about something, but I would like you to take off the tool belt,” is a helpful reminder.

(This is similar to Maxim #10: Tame the Advice Monster)

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