scott stonehouse

Why does it seem so difficult to effectively give or receive feedback?

You would think that for something so important, both inside and outside of work, we would be better at it. And yet people routinely indicate in surveys that it is a challenge.

Why is it so difficult to give or receive feedback well?

Because we are different.

Profound, I know. It’s because of insights like this that you read these short blog posts.

But we really are different in many ways and that can make giving and receiving feedback difficult.

Consider: We are different ages, different sexes, come from different cultures, and sometimes we speak different languages. We have different histories and experiences, with one another and even with the act of giving and receiving feedback. Some of us are more positive, others more negative. Some of us are more confident, others more insecure. Some of us are better at sharing how we feel, others not so much.

Layer on top of all of those differences circumstantial factors like what is going on in our lives at the moment. Work stress? Family stress? Financial stress? Are you or they sick? Tired? Hungry?

Mix all of that up and — voila! — you have a perfect recipe for misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Ready to give or receive feedback on job performance, marriage, or parenting?

Is it any wonder that it often goes poorly?

How do we get any better at this?

We start by focusing on how we can get better at receiving feedback.

The most impactful idea I have learned in a long time on this topic is the idea of “The Second Score” from the book, Thanks for the Feedback by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen.

The first score is the feedback you received. It could be an actual score, for example, you received a 3 out of 5 (Meets Expectations) on your Annual Performance Review. However, it doesn’t need to be an actual number. It could be a comment, “I need you to do better” or “You were fantastic!”

The second score is the score you give yourself for how you handled the first score.

Did you receive the feedback well or poorly?

Did you get angry and start yelling?

Did you get hurt and start crying?

Did you spin into a depression?

Did you dismiss and ignore the feedback?

The truth is that not all feedback we receive is true.

Not all feedback we receive is delivered well.

But most (not all) feedback we receive can be helpful if we handle it well.

Can we interrupt our emotions? Can we take a breath? Can we step aside and objectively evaluate the feedback and look for ways it can be helpful to us? Is there any part of it that is true? Can we find ways that we can learn from it?

If so, then we can give ourselves a good second score.

Over the long-term, the second score is much more important than the first score. The first score might not even be accurate. But the second score is about how well you receive and learn from feedback. And the ability to receive feedback well – even feedback that isn’t fully true or delivered well – is a super-power that will fuel your personal growth.

Your second score might not always be good. It takes practice. Seek feedback. Listen. Interrupt your emotions and defensiveness. Look for what is true and helpful about the feedback. Look for what you can learn from the feedback. And then take action.

Humbly receive the first score but give yourself the second score.

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