scott stonehouse

If you were going to give an engaged couple the most important piece of advice you could for their marriage, what would it be?

When I was a vocational pastor, I did more weddings than I do now, but I still have the privilege to do a few a year for couples in our church. I enjoy doing them. They are always beautiful, fun, joyful events.

What I enjoy more is the pre-marriage counseling I do with couples as they prepare to get married.

Typically we meet for several direct, honest conversations about what it means to be married. Communication. Conflict. Families. Sex. Money. Difficulties to expect. Mistakes to avoid. Some lessons learned along the way.

Most of it is good information and most of it will be forgotten. They won’t know until they are there, living it out, trying to make it work as well as they can.

I understand that.

There is one piece of advice, however, that I repeat multiple times through our conversations because I want them to remember it.

It is foundational to everything else.

Have a grace-based marriage, not a performance-based marriage.

In a performance-based marriage, the way I treat them is based on how they treat me.

In a grace-based marriage, the way I treat them is not based on how they treat me.

Grace is unmerited favor. Undeserved kindness.

Grace is a foundational aspect of Christianity. At the core of Christianity is the idea that God loved us first. Not because we deserved to be loved but because of who he is and what Jesus has done for us.

Because we have been graciously loved by God, we strive to love him in return.

Because we have been graciously loved by God, we strive to graciously love others. Especially our spouse.

What every couple eventually realizes is that they are both messed up. We are all flawed people. Living together in close proximity means you can’t hide that for long. Eventually your flaws come out, often at the worst times.

It is the grace we show one another when we don’t deserve it that strengthens our commitment to one another.

Grace allows us to weather the ups and downs, the good days and bad days, the various seasons of marriage.

Grace is loving one another when we don’t deserve to be loved.

There are many tools, tips, and pieces of advice that help prepare people for marriage (or repair existing marriages). We should explore them all and use any we find helpful. But the foundation is having a grace-based marriage.