scott stonehouse

If I was going to get a tattoo, the one I might need the most is Tame the Advice Monster.

Although I am better than I was, it has been a struggle for years. {sigh}

Exhibit #1: Early marriage.

I know this is cliche, but it was so true of me for the first several years of my marriage. My wife would express some frustration, hurt, problem, or challenge, and — because I loved her and genuinely wanted to help — I would offer advice on how to fix the problem. I can hear all of you groaning as you read this. Say it with me, everyone: She didn’t want my advice. She just wanted me to listen. I know. I know.

This caused arguments… for years. I did, finally, learn.

Exhibit #2: Pastoral conversations

When I was a vocational pastor, one of the primary components of the job was meeting with people who wanted to talk about problems they were facing. Although they were coming in for pastoral counsel, often what they wanted and needed was for someone to listen to them. In fact, sometimes people could work through an issue and to next steps with minimal involvement from me other than nodding my head and asking a question or two.

Are there times when people want or need advice? Yes, of course, but I have found that they will generally ask for it. If they don’t ask for it, they probably don’t want it. They simply want someone to listen. And as I learned with my wife, listening to them is actually helpful.

But even when they ask for your advice, it is not always best to give it. Often, it is more helpful that we ask good questions and help them work through it on their own. On the whole, it is better for someone to learn or discover something for themselves rather than being told.

But if we don’t give them our advice…

… we won’t seem smart.

… we won’t rescue them from their problem.

… we won’t be the hero.

Could that be an issue? It can be for me. Ouch.

I want to be seen as smart. I want to be helpful. I often want to be the hero. Don’t you?

But what if that isn’t what is best for them?

What if what is best for them is for them to be the hero and for us to be the sidekick?

How can we Tame the Advice Monster? A few ideas.

— Print out the image and keep it somewhere you can see it.
— Put your hand over your mouth when you are listening to someone. I am not kidding. It works. It reminds me to keep my mouth shut and listen.
— Decide to always begin with a question. For example, “How can I help?” Or “What would you like from me in this moment?” Be direct. “Do you want me to listen or do you want advice?”
— Even if they say they want advice, ask another question to have them try first. For example, “Before I share my thoughts, what do you think you should do? If you had to guess at your next steps, what would they be?”

It takes time to Tame the Advice Monster. It is not easy. But for the good of others, it is worth the effort. Start now and keep practicing.

Tame the Advice Monster.

P.S. I got this phrase from the book, “The Advice Trap” by Michael Bungay Stanier, who also wrote, “The Coaching Habit“. Both are excellent.